When Rowan turned up late for work, we decided to give him the opportunity to reflect on his tardiness and expunge his guilt by writing, in 14,000 words or less, what we should do about it (‘we’ being all three of us).

Now normally it would be safe to see this as a simple (yet ultimately productive) task for Rowan to undertake. However, as it turned out, Rowan’s response was to take it upon himself to write his own warning letter…

Get this:

Dear Rowan,

Without wishing to interfere with your otherwise hectik (sic) lifestyle, we would like to thank you for taking the time to read this letter. We hope it finds you well.

We are immensely grateful for the contribution you have made to Electric Firefly in the few short weeks you have been with us, and for the happiness and joy you bring to our every day. We are afraid, however, that your lapse in punctuality this Sunday past is cause for concern and it is this that we wish to bring to your attention. Unlike yourself, we lead subdued, boring lives and are always in bed by 10pm before workdays (which we have eloquently termed “school nights”) after ironing our t-shirts and underpants for the following day. We know that it must be difficult getting up so early on a Sunday while entertaining up to 3 ladies until 5am, and ask that you consider entertaining, say, 5 ladies until 3am as an alternative.

We understand and acknowledge that we really ought take our share of responsibility in this problem. Perhaps we should be doing more to make you feel like an integral part of the team and as special a friend as two guys could hope for. For one thing, your pleasant nature and impeccable sense of style is something we ought not take for granted, as we all know how hard as it is to find good hair these days.

To this end, we hope you will accept a retrospective pay rise and an expense allowance for taxis, booze and the likes. We are very sorry to have to ask this of you and hope to God you will continue to be the mainstay of this business and the sunshine of our otherwise boring lives.

Humbly,

Simon & Josh

We let him off for being ‘funny’, that and the fact he has promised to bring beer to the weekly ’strategy’ meeting, but in the future I think I’m going to write my own warning letters…